Are you divorced, or getting ready to be divorced? Does your Ex call you more often than he or she used to? Are they acting like they want to get back together? Do you feel like you were just starting to move on with your new life when suddenly you are being pulled back into your old one?

According to my emails and letters from readers, interaction with the Ex is the number one stressor in their lives.

This is an understandable situation. It's hard to handle all these emotions from the past when you are alone. Especially around the holidays when there are children involved. Other dynamics that come into play, causing an Ex to want to get back together, are when the new relationship gets old, and when the old wife (or husband) starts to get a new life.

This is my experience with reconciliation: unless BOTH parties go to counseling, the getting back together usually doesnt work out. There will be a short honeymoon period, followed by the returning reality of the way it used to be. The same issues that drove them apart the first time will re-surface in the marriage. So if you want to get back together, find yourself a good therapist.

Think about rebuilding from a place of strengthnot neediness. Before you are ready to settle down, think about the following:

* Do you have your career on track?

You always need to know that you can take care of yourself, have work that supports you financially and emotionally, and be doing something that you are proud of. Being a responsible, take-care-of-yourself person gives you confidence, makes you more attractive, and provides less of a tendency to choose someone who will lift your financial burden. Some women have bartered themselves for a gilded cage. A caged bird does not sing.

* What else can you do to fulfill your dreams?

Sit still and ask yourself what you have always wanted to do. What do people come to you for? Somewhere between those two questions, you may get on track to find your calling. Then, make plans to go back to school, get some training, take some on-line courses, get a mentor, or be an understudy with someone who has a career you want to know more about.

* Do you have a list of the non-negotiable requirements you want in a partner?

Im not talking about eye color and height. Im talking about the hidden agenda we all have of expectations of how someone has to be in order to share our life. Often, people dont know what their requirements are until it is too late, because they had never thought about them.

* Do you feel emotionally strong in your life?

Take a long look at what it would take for you to feel whole and healed. Do you need counseling, addiction intervention, a visit to the doctor, or a stronger network of friends and family? Find a support group that can give you feedback and strength.

Whatever relationship you choose to be in, make sure that it supports your growth and self esteem. You want to continue to live your life surrounded by people who love you and treat you well. And with the help of a good family therapist, who knows what can happen?

Tonja Weimer

Tonja Evetts Weimer is a Master Certified singles relationship and life coach, speaker, syndicated columnist and author.

Tonja is a full time professional coach with a practice in Greenville, SC. She helps individuals, especially singles, re-craft their lives and find happiness and success in their career and relationships. Some of Tonja's professional activities include:

==> Syndicated singles relationship columnist, writing SAVVY DATING, a weekly column read by over a million readers in many U.S newspapers. Tonja's column addresses relationship and life issues of interest to all adults, but particularly to the over 110 million singles in the U.S. Tonja has also had articles published in New Woman, Hope, and House Beautiful magazines, and has won 3 Matrix Awards for her writing.

==> Motivational speaker, Tonja has been a keynote presenter at national and international conferences over the last 30 years.

==> Author of materials for educators and parents (7 books, six music albums and 2 videos), which have won 22 awards.

Some Speaking and Media Highlights:

==> Keynote speaker for 2004 Women’s Issues Network Conference, Sumter, SC.

==> Keynote speaker for 2002 Parents as Teachers International Conference, St. Louis, MO.

==> Keynote speaker for 1999 International Conference for Children & Adults with Attention Deficit Disorder.

==> Keynote speaker for 1998 European Education Conference, in Mannheim, Germany.

==> Keynote speaker in 35 U.S. states at educational conferences.

==> Presenter at the International Special Olympics in Notre Dame, at the request of Eunice Kennedy Shriver.

==> Created Space Songs for Children, at the request of NASA (album taken into space by astronauts three times.)

==> Appeared on CNN’s Showbiz Today and many other TV shows.

Educational and Professional Qualifications:

==> National Fellow (U.S. Dept. of Education.) M.A. in Human Development and Education, with an emphasis on creativity.

==> Master Certified Singles Relationship Coach, Relationship Coaching Institute.

==> Personal Life Coach, Graduate, Institute for Life Coach Training.

==> Member, International Coaching Federation